Can I have your attention?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013



“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” Simone Weil

. . . 

Each year at this time there is usually one commencement address that stands out among the others. This year, for me, it was Jonathan Safran Foer's Middlebury College address. You can watch the address here or read portions of it in the NY Times op-ed piece. The part that struck me most was about attention. Listen to this excerpt. 

Everyone wants his parent’s, or friend’s, or partner’s undivided attention — even if many of us, especially children, are getting used to far less. Simone Weil wrote, “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” By this definition, our relationships to the world, and to one another, and to ourselves, are becoming increasingly miserly.

Most of our communication technologies began as diminished substitutes for an impossible activity. We couldn’t always see one another face to face, so the telephone made it possible to keep in touch at a distance. One is not always home, so the answering machine made a kind of interaction possible without the person being near his phone. Online communication originated as a substitute for telephonic communication, which was considered, for whatever reasons, too burdensome or inconvenient. And then texting, which facilitated yet faster, and more mobile, messaging. These inventions were not created to be improvements upon face-to-face communication, but a declension of acceptable, if diminished, substitutes for it.

But then a funny thing happened: we began to prefer the diminished substitutes. It’s easier to make a phone call than to schlep to see someone in person. Leaving a message on someone’s machine is easier than having a phone conversation — you can say what you need to say without a response; hard news is easier to leave; it’s easier to check in without becoming entangled. So we began calling when we knew no one would pick up.

Shooting off an e-mail is easier, still, because one can hide behind the absence of vocal inflection, and of course there’s no chance of accidentally catching someone. And texting is even easier, as the expectation for articulateness is further reduced, and another shell is offered to hide in. Each step “forward” has made it easier, just a little, to avoid the emotional work of being present, to convey information rather than humanity.

THE problem with accepting — with preferring — diminished substitutes is that over time, we, too, become diminished substitutes. People who become used to saying little become used to feeling little.

. . .

It's really heavy, right? Even if it's not you who are guilty of preferring diminished substitutes and giving real interactions less attention, it's our society, it's the world our children are walking into and the energy we are steeped in everyday. I think about how many times I have said, "just a minute" to my girls as I have replied to a text, typed off a quick email, or composed a caption for a picture. I am pretty conscious about putting the phone away to focus and engage, but I am a work from home mom, with kids at home a lot, and the balance of the two is extremely difficult to find. And in a hurried world where texting or communicating in the comments of a public forum are becoming the norm, it's hard not to play along. 

So how do we move ahead in a world that's connecting us together but is also pulling us apart? 

I think it has to be about balance and about valuing personal interaction. It has to be about taking the extra step to think, say, converse, and feel. We need to give attention and teach attention. We need to hold tight to our emotionality, bearing unscripted interactions that have the power to unhinge us, but also bring about moments of clarity and richness that only face to face communication can do. It's about standing guard over our time, over chance encounters, and unhurried conversations with friends or strangers. It's about paying attention. Really deeply paying attention.

Foer ends with this, "We live in a world made up more of story than stuff. We are creatures of memory more than reminders, of love more than likes. Being attentive to the needs of others might not be the point of life, but it is the work of life. It can be messy, and painful, and almost impossibly difficult. But it is not something we give. It is what we get in exchange for having to die."

I'd love to know what you think. xx

9 comments:

  1. I saw this speech as well (the NYT version) and it really struck me. (Also, Jonathan Safran Foer is amazing in general.) I struggle with this, also as a work-at-home mom. I need to put my phone away, out of reach, more often. It's so important to look your kids in the eye and really really listen.

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    1. I love Foer too. It is such a juggle when you are in the house working. There are so many benefits, but I also even those who have a clear separation of work and home. We just have to keep looking for balance. :)

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  2. I totally cut this article out and stuck it in my journal (that I haven't written in for a year.) everything about this was so poignant and true and he beautifully articulated a lot of things I've had in my head. Here's to striking a balance, being present and to yellowing newspaper clippings.

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    1. I still clip and save articles too. I love it and don't know that I will ever let that fall away. Yes, cheers to balance in all.

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  3. We've talked about the kid aspect of really focusing and paying attention, and it is still something I'm working on. After our "screen free" experiment ended, I did slip up a bit and fell back into the instagram/text/email trap. But I'm definitely better than I was before.

    It's interesting, though- my work is increasingly virtual, but since I'm in sales, I still 100% believe in the added value from face-to-face interactions. The better results I get and relationships I form when I meet clients regularly in person are immeasurable. People still want to connect with people, want to hear their stories and learn about their lives, whether for personal or business reasons.

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    1. I don't think anything ever compares to face to face interaction. When possible, I always prefer to meet people in person. I think it's that I love unexpected possibilities that come from personal interaction. I still want to try your screen free week. My problem is that I don't have clear work delineation because so much of what is work is also browsing around. Good excuse, right ;) Someday...

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  4. when i read alexis' post ("phone vs. your heart") a while back, this is how i responded...

    so many thoughts on this. thank you for sharing it with us. loved (and agree) with the comments above also.

    first off~ i am in NO way where i need to be in this regard. but, i will say~ having older kids has helped us not fall {too deep} in the 'hole' of cell phone/screen time obsession. it is extremely important for me that my kids do not think of me as "the woman always staring at her phone/computer"... and also extremely important that my kids remain unplugged for the majority of their childhood. soooo... when they're around me, i try to set a good example and remain offline for the most part~ since they watched everything i do (younger kids do as well, but i feel like when they're younger they're a little more tuned in to themselves... their toys/crayons/legos/etc.). of course i still check my phone way too often, but when they're focused on other things (or when i'm in my hideaway... aka the bathroom ;)). my point is that i agree with the article, and think it is so important to remain in the MODERATION zone... for so many, many, maaaaaany reasons... and to teach our kids to do the very same thing.

    where i am struggling/failing in this regard is making more of an effort to connect with others ('real life connection') on a daily basis. i am trying(!!!) to find opportunities to walk with friends, to go out for dinner, to invite others over... because i literally started to feel awkward and completely "out of practice" when i was "forced" into social interaction. really working on this aspect~ for myself, and for my kids.

    {definitely an "area of opportunity" for me (outside of the home, as mentioned above, but inside the home as well)... the subject of "feeling" has been heavily on my mind as of late (feeling vs. numbing, vulnerability vs. disengagement). thank you for this post. i'm saving it to share and to re-read.}

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    1. Torrie, I read that post too and really liked it. I love your thoughts here. I think that it's so important to make it a priority to have that face to face interaction. Luckily, I love to talk ;) and engage people, so that helps, but there are many periods where I am much less social. But usually, I talk to my sister and a good friend on the phone everyday, usually more than once and that fills my life a lot. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. xo

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  5. do you know this si why i dont have a mobile phone! all my friends text jokes and when we go out (which is rare with 3 little kids and a musician husband!) i stand in horror watching people standing texting whist ignoring people they are out with! i hate this world of technology but then also embrace it! I wondered the other night how lonely i would feel if my computer broke...as i do spend many evenings at home alone with my kiddies sleeping upstairs and i was horrified when i realised what the answer would be! My life would be so lonely, my computer is a band-aid....for real!! this post on top of my recent thoughts feels like a can of worms opening for change! love love love this xxxx

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